Even though I don't know Ryan Kelly personally, he has still changed my life more then anyone can imagine. Just by listening to him speak, and listening to his music and his singing, I have pulled myself out of a massive depression that I have been in for more then a decade.
When I saw them on television on St. Patrick's Day in 2010, I immediately was drawn to his singing. His voice turned on a switch inside me. I then recorded the next Celtic Thunder Special that night and continued to watch it. I started to watch past videos of last concerts and something inside me awoke. Although not all is the same as it used to be, I am more alive inside, more awake, and more in tune with what is going on around me.
Here is My Story:
I was so depressed that I barely knew what was going on around me. I was already depressed because my marriage was a farce. My Husband at the time just married me to get a Grant for school. But I had Loved him and wanted to marry him. A week after we were married my Grandfather was diagnosed with 3 types of Cancer and passed away 6 month later. About a year after that his Father passed away from a massive heart attack in his sleep.
After that he started cheating on me. I found out only because he would disappear a lot. Or we would be hanging out at a friends house and SHE would show up out of the blue. He would get these phone calls on his phone with blocked numbers on them. And all of a sudden he had a password on his voice mail. He never before had a password on his phone. Neither did I. I never kept any secrets from him. As far as I knew neither did he until that day. Then one night he said he had to do inventory at the store. I knew better. Because we had done inventory 2 months before that. See I also worked there at the same store.
So I took his word for it and thought just maybe they messed up on the inventory and had to do a re-count. So I went to his favorite take-out place and got his favorite dinner. Drove over to work and the garage was sealed shut. His truck was no where to be seen. I went to find the store manager to ask what was going on and he told me that they didn't have any kind of inventory that night! My eyes filled with tears. and I through dinner in the garbage, walked to the car, got in and started crying so hard.
I gathered my thoughts. Dried my tears. Re-composed myself and drove home. Called his phone. At this time I didn't tell him that I had tried to bring him dinner and I knew the shop was closed tight, and that I had talked to the store manager. All I said was "When do you want me to bring your dinner?"
He replied: You don't need to tonight.
"They are ordering pizza's for everyone who helped out!"
I just wanted to shout LIAR! and hang up the phone on him. He also told me that if I drive past and don't see his truck it was because they let him park it in one of the bays in the garage so no one messes with it. I said: Whatever!
I had a hunch at where he might be. So I got in the car and drove 3 towns over to see if my hunch was right. And I was right the whole time. He was at his Girlfriends house or at least his truck was! So I left a note on his truck. It read:
Then I went home, got in bed and cried myself to sleep! I knew my marriage was over then!!!
He came home. Woke me up, and started yelling at me. I didn't do anything. I just wanted to know why my husband lied to me about working! Instead he was out with a slut and not just any slut. But the same Drug addicted slut who was more interested in her drugs then she was her boyfriend. It was not my fault that we dated for 6 years before we got married. her Jealousy became an obsession to split our marriage up. Well it worked! She won! Again!!!
During this time, I again hit rock bottom. I moved back into my Parent's home. Fell into a deep Coma like depression. I didn't eat much, Didn't drink much of anything but water. Slept a lot. Watched TV. Wrote letters to my husband and then burned them in a coffee can. Even a few times I drove past his new work and sat where no one could see me and watched him with a pair of binoculars. All because I missed him so much. It tore me up inside not to be with him. 7 months this went on for. We were about to have the final court date. Then I found out some interest news. News that totally came unexpectedly...
I was PREGNANT!!! I WAS ABOUT 3 MONTHS ALONG. Which now that I look back made total sense to me now. LOL All the mood swings and the tiredness, wasn't just the depression I was feeling. During that time I had taken a trip to Nebraska to see a friend. It was a short trip.a whole 3 days. I spent most of the time on the Greyhound bus. During which time someone stole the shoes right off my feet! I was pissed! Then later I found out they also stole my Western Boots. I had paid up the (Yen69Yang) for those boots. I bought them in Kentucky, when I lived there a long time ago.
We went through all the Paternity testing . Came to find out the baby was not his. Of course I was thrilled. He had threatened to take her away from me after she was born. Considering he thought that I was the unfit Mother. Well that is the story he was going with. If we had to go down that road then things were going to get really ugly. I knew a lot about him that could have done some damage to his reputation in his future. But I was not going to use it unless he tried to destroy me by taking my daughter from me.
It turned into my favor when she turned out not to be his. then I remembered what happened and who her father was a few months after that. It was scary to think that it was even possible that I blocked that out of my mind for so long. So since I didn't think about it then, I put it out of my mind again. I knew I was happy. I was going to be a MOM. But I was scared of doing this on my own.
My mind started going through the WHAT If's? What if something happens to me? What if something is wrong with the baby? What if I can't get money to take care of it? What if? What if? What if? I knew if this kept up I was going to go out of my mind again. So I started on a new project. I started finding a job. I also started getting the nursery ready. Which I found out that getting the nursery ready was harder then finding a job at that point in time. But that ended almost as soon as it started, and my Mom had to finish the nursery.
I had gone into premature labor. They considered me a high risk pregnancy and told me I had to stay off my feet. I said okay! I did what they asked. I spent most of my time on the couch or in bed. I still went into another premature labor episode. That was 2 times now. I was scared. I didn't want to lose this baby. This baby was my miracle baby. I was told that there was a possibility that I would never conceive a child due to all the scar tissue in my Uterus from the cysts.
So I was happy this happened. On my Grandma's Birthday, My mom made a special dinner and we celebrated her Birthday. She told me she a dream that I had gone into labor and had my daughter on her Birthday. We all laughed. Well the night was over and my Mom took my Grandma home. We got ready for bed and settled in to watch The Soap Opera that we had taped earlier. I was telling my mom about the dream I had about my water breaking in the living room and trying to yell to my father to get up and him not hearing us. and My Mom laughed.
During the commercial I decided to get something to snack on. I was really craving Chocolate and watermelon again. Didn't have any watermelon. But I did have chocolate Ho-Ho's. I liked them frozen. Then went to the bathroom and sat back down on the couch. Pulled my legs up on the couch and crossed them. That is when I felt a flood rush between my legs. I said:
"OH SHIT!"
My Mom looked over at me and asked me what was wrong? Well I told her, Either I wasn't done going to the bathroom or my water just broke. She thought I was joking! Until I stood up and made a pond of water on the floor... I laughed and said "Does this look like I AM JOKING? SPLOOSH went my water!
My Mother was more panicked then I was. I wasn't really having any contractions other than my back hurting. At the time I didn't know that was a contraction. I had only found out that I was having a girl one week before I went into labor. And we were so not prepared for this at all. I had not even had the baby shower yet. The nursery wasn't finished. I had no clothes at all but I knew I had some time to go to the store because she was not coming home right away. l I spent 14 hours in labor. Had an epidural, and gave birth at 2:10pm.
The doctor's wanted to make sure that her lungs were fully developed and she could breathe on her own and feed before going home. I went home 2 days later. They told me to take it easy. I didn't listen. I was back and forth to the hospital 3 times a day if not more. ate there. Couldn't sleep well because My daughter was not home with me. So I spent many of nights back at the hospital just rocking her. I was giving the Pediatrics ICU nurses a complex because I was there so much. But when I cam I would always bring food for them. So they were always happy in the end.
See my depression became worse after I found out something was wrong with my daughter soon after she was born. But no one could tell me what it was. The Doctors from 5 different hospitals all did tests and couldn't figure out what was wrong other than she was Lactose Intolerant. But there was something else wrong I could just feel it. She would scream and pull her legs up to her belly. At one time we thought it was gas and kept giving her gas drops. She would have a hard time sleeping. The only time she would fall asleep would be on or with me (Momma). Her sleep would not be very long. Naps would only be a half hour to forty-five minutes if that...
Her eating habits were normal. She ate like a trooper. Of course she didn't like the bland foods....lol We have pictures of her eating her first taste of spaghetti. I think she wore most of it. Her hair was covered in sauce too. The only food she doesn't like to this day is eggs. I can't get her to even eat french toast. I think it has to do with eggs being on the toast. But it is funny, My neighbor makes Crepe's and she loves them. My Mom makes them the same way and she wont eat them.
Anyway, as my Daughter turned into a walking toddler the naps ended. she was only 11 months old. She had so much energy I knew that there was definitely something going on. She would literally run around our house until she would drop to the floor from exhaustion. Then sleep for about and hour and do it all over again. This would go on and on all evening until she wore herself out unless we put a stop to it. Which meant put the gates up and locked them so she couldn't get out of the kitchen.
By 5pm every night I was so tired from trying to keep her busy, I felt like dropping to the floor myself!
To Be Continued At a Later Time
